About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
