I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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