dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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