she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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