You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
