Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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