god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
