There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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