No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
