All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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