How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
