you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
