there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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