So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
