i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
