Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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