i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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