u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
