I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
