I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
two words...techno handjob
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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