I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
