Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
