I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
