So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
