JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
