Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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