my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
