I'd wear matching sweaters with you
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
