My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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