My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
