im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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