Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize