My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
