I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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