I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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