she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
