So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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