Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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