The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
