I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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