last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
