too bad you live with your parents still
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
