ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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