i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
