The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
