When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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