I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
