guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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