I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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