She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
