since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize