There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
