Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
