Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
