I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
