It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
