Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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