I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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